Marriage is a Dirty Business

It’s the middle of the night as I write this. I just finished changing a bed and starting a load of laundry, while my wife is finishing bathing a child. This makes the 6th child to get sick in as many nights. Not every night was spent awake tending to crying and vomit and other loveliness. Some nights we had a reprieve, but it seems like we were doubled up on the next. Sometimes the kids managed to time it perfectly, with ‘activity’ in two different beds at the same time. Other nights, they organized their illnesses in succession, with the 2nd starting only after we’d managed to fall back asleep from dealing with the 1st.

The older kids are easier. They are well rehearsed, and keep themselves quarantined to help cut down on the contagious spread. The oldest of the bunch, a true pro, has managed to avoid the latest outbreak. He has spent the past week walking around the house with his shirt pulled up over his face like a mask.

As for my beautiful wife and I, we are experts. This is the third consecutive year we’ve started Christmas break with illnesses. At the first hint of the familiar not-quite-coughing sound, we emerge from our sleep, spring out of bed, and go into action. One cleans the patient, while the other sterilizes the surroundings. We have experienced this a thousand times over our marriage, thanks in great part to a multi-year stint where the side effects of chemotherapy treatments caused the sicknesses in one of our children. Now, with kids in four different schools, any bug that is floating around town will be brought into our home. We are certainly not martyrs, as I’m sure many of you can relate to similar experiences.

Remembering back, we were the first of our friends to get married. The first to have a child. The first to buy a house. During the early years of our marriage, they often asked, “How do you do it?” With house and cars and kids, the American Dream was supposedly in hand. I assumed they thought we had it all figured out. I felt compelled to share our ‘vast wisdom’. As they started getting married, I tried to come up with clever advice to give about marriage…about love. Concentrating on some romanticized version, and forgetting the reality. Trying to write something short and memorable, like you might see on a Hallmark card.

The reality? Marriage is hard work. Love? It is a conscious effort. Emotion and feeling are something different, and can easily be ascribed to a favorite pet dog, or can be experienced watching an exciting football game. The word ‘love’ flies around too often. But maybe it should. Maybe it needs to. We just need to use it correctly, and not attribute it to lesser things.

When I get home and see my wife exhausted from a hectic day…When she sees me becoming overwhelmed by the stresses of work and finances…At those times, how do we Not tell each other we’re proud and thankful for everything they do? How do we Not step up, and help with the kids? How do we Not allow the statement “I LOVE YOU” to fly from our lips freely and often?

As my wife slips into bed besides me, she has a radiant glow about her. Her hair is disheveled. She is wearing an old pair of glasses. Her clothes are mismatched. And she has the aroma of Lysol. I love her. Not because of a fleeting emotion, or even because of what she just did for my child, or what she has done for me over the years. I love her because…I do. She is more beautiful than the day we first met. She has added the look of a mother. The look of wisdom, caring, and self-giving love. The same look Mary certainly had, when blessed with Jesus.

I think of the Holy Family at this time, 2,000 years ago. All of the nativity scenes are cleansed, romanticized versions of what likely happened. After all, Jesus was born in a manger. In a barn. Have you ever been in a barn…smelled a barn? Mary rode a donkey to Bethlehem on dusty roads. Joseph was required to take his pregnant wife on this journey, or risk punishment under Roman law. The shepherds who visited had been sleeping in their camp outside. Think about your last camping trip and how you looked. Certainly not an ideal scenario or quite the scene we normally imagine. But it was somehow beautiful and glorious none-the-less.

Why did Mary and Joseph agree to go through with that? Why did they say Yes to God? Yes to each other? It’s like trying to explain why we have faith. Why we believe. Why we trust in God ourselves. There are many beautifully worded answers, and many quotes of advice (each one worthy of a Hallmark card.) But when you really push, when you really dig; I don’t know if words can ever express the fullness of that mystery, and the beauty of the true answer.

Why do you believe? We just DO. When we look at each other, and our children, and friends and family surrounding us, how could you Not believe? Amidst the sickness and the troubles and the difficulties (and smells) of life, there is no profound single answer we can share. We have no great advice. We have fallen many times. After many discussions, and arguments, and struggles over the years, no words between us have been exchanged that would be earth shattering.

There were words at the beginning of our marriage, however, that set the foundation for our commitment as strongly as any words since. We believe in them fully, and we’ve had those words tested many times. They were exchanged nearly two decades ago. They have to do with How and Why and When we love each other…in sickness and in health…good times and bad…richer and poorer…

This is such a wonderful, yet stressful time of year. Whether you’re dealing with sick kids, or you’re 9 months pregnant and being forced to travel, or you can’t find any available hotel rooms, or your insurance will only cover one night in the manger…I pray you are able to see through to the things that really matter. It may be hard, and sometimes seem impossible, but when you say ‘yes’ to God, you WILL get through.

I pray that you have a wonderful Christmas with your spouse and all those you love, and that you feel God’s loving embrace through them in return!


-written by Matt Buehrig, inspired by Wendy Buehrig

The Missing Piece

I read with interest Kate’s “A New Perspective” post from last week, paying special attention to her description of her husband Mike as her “soul mate.”  The idea that we are somehow mystically joined to another human being and do not feel fully complete until we find him or her might sound overly romantic to our 21^st century ears and a little bit like a classic script for a movie of the week on the Oxygen channel.  It definitely sets the bar dangerously high as a descriptor for the relationship between my husband and me on those days when there are too many diapers, debts, and dirty dishes.  Nothing mystical happening there!

Or is there more to it than meets the eye?  You only need to get a few pages into scripture to discover that there is, indeed, something much more powerful happening in a marriage than a business partnership to share household duties.  In Genesis 2, God creates Adam out of the dust of the earth and breathes life into him.  Adam is lonely, so God creates the animals one by one and brings them to the first man to see if any one of them is a suitable companion.  But Adam’s heart is not satisfied until God creates Eve.  And this is the part of the story that I find really interesting…

When God decides to create a partner for Adam, He doesn't shape a creature out of the dust in the same way He did with Adam. Instead, the Creator uses Adam’s rib as the primary building block of this new creature.  There’s got to be something pretty important about this!  If you think about it logically, God already had a ready-made blueprint for creating a human.  It would have been easy for God to just kneel right down and create another human out of the dust. But – he doesn't.  God didn't need Adam’s rib as raw material to get a person started, but instead He must have used it intentionally to show us something.  When I close my eyes and imagine the creation of Eve, I can’t help but think that it is suggesting that we are made to be in relationship with each other.  I love the idea that I have a little piece of my husband, Tim, is in me and that until he found that piece, there was always something a bit missing from his life (and vice-versa, of course!).

Every year, our family vacations at a resort where we have family-style Olympics.  In one of the games, boys and girls are separated by gender and blind-folded.  Each participant has an animal name whispered into his or her ear.  Then, at the sound of the whistle, everyone begins making the noise of the animal until you find the other person who is making the same animal sound.  It’s funny to watch everyone stumbling around aimlessly until they find their mate.  Then they join hands, rip off their blind-folds, and proudly proclaim VICTORY!  This isn’t so much unlike our path in life.  We stumble along, hoping to find someone who speaks the same language we do…who sings the same song…who has the same hopes, dreams and ideals.  When we find them, the blinders come off and we can see.  And if we are really lucky, we are able to proclaim VICTORY!

Most importantly, we aren't walking along aimlessly anymore.  We are sharing our path with the person who heard the same word when God gently whispered.  For my part, I am blessed that God whispered the same word into my husband Tim’s ear.  On days when the daily tasks of life seem to overwhelm, thinking of Tim as my soul-mate brings me back to the best version of myself, and I remember that I am living a life that is deeper and richer than it sometimes seems on the surface.  I am on a holy journey with my soul mate and no matter what our destination, the fact that we will go there together – with God as our traveling companion - helps me recognize even ordinary moments as sacred.  I wish the same for you, in your marriage!

Jeannie and Tim Steenberge

A New Perspective

I was surprised to be asked to contribute to this blog and questioned what I could possibly say to married couples when I am no longer married. I was widowed over four years ago, after 24 years of marriage. As I thought about what I could say, one thought kept coming to mind; what do I know now that I wish I knew/understood while I was married?

Great loss brings a new perspective and appreciation, lessons I wish I had learned without suffering a loss. I was blessed to be in a very strong marriage, and it was not until after I lost my husband that I began to realize just how much Mike and I completed and complemented each other. Together we formed a blending of our hearts and souls into our joint identity where “two become one.” We had become one, and I did not know it until half of our oneness was ripped away and I had to learn to live without half of me. I did not just lose my husband, I lost my soul mate, the person who made me better, my identity and the vocation God had called me to. As much as I thought I appreciated what I had in Mike and in our marriage, I did not until I lost him. Even with a two year battle with ALS and Mike’s mortality hanging over us like a countdown timer, I did not appreciate or even comprehend how much our souls and hearts had meshed together during 24 years of marriage until he was gone.

As you read this, stop and think about your spouse for a little bit. Think about how he/she complements you, how he/she makes you a better person, who sees you at your worst and best and loves you regardless, how he/she knows and understands you better than anyone else and how you both have become one. Please, do not take it for granted what you have in your spouse. God has given you a precious gift. Love, cherish and appreciate every second of every day with that gift, your spouse.

There is so much truth in, “You don’t realize what you have until you lose it” and my prayer for married couples this Christmas is that it will not take loss through death or divorce for a couple to realize what a precious God given gift they have in each other.

Kate Treese

Advent Blessings

We are Liz & Sam Cohen, married 40 years and excited to journey with all of you who are taking the opportunity to enrich you marriage through reflections on this Marriage Blog.

Today, as we celebrate the first Sunday of Advent, these words from the first reading from Isaiah strike a chord for us. “Yet, O LORD, you are our father; we are the clay and you the potter: we are all the work of your hands.” Sam & I are both reminded to let the Lord form us in His ways both individually and as a married couple on our journey each day.

And as we continue to reflect, from Mark’s gospel, Jesus says, “Be watchful! Be Alert!” These words prompt us to be mindful of our actions towards our spouse and others, to help prepare ourselves during this season of Advent. This is a two-fold time of preparation that directs our hearts and minds to the anniversary of Jesus’ birth at Christmas and also to Christ’s second coming at the end of time. Advent is a period of devout and expectant delight. It contains an element of penance in the sense of preparing, quieting and disciplining our hearts for the full joy of Christmas.

As we journey through Advent, joining our hearts and hands together in reflective prayer, we pray for God to form us (the clay) during this time of spiritual preparation. In our efforts to strengthen our sacramental love in the covenant that we made with God 40 years ago, we are choosing to “Be Watchful… Be Alert,” to focus each other by making daily decisions to love and decisions to be loved by our spouse throughout Advent.

As we all know, loving our spouse is often easy, joyful and very rewarding as we grow in our love and intimacy as a couple. Yet other times, we may struggle, or even find it difficult, when we are not in the right frame of mind or feeling neglected ourselves. In these times, God asks us to step up to the plate, leave our attitude of self-centeredness behind and make a conscious choice: to make a decision to love our spouse. In doing so, we are once again on track as we mirror Christ’s love to our beloved spouse.

Have you ever felt unlovable? Have you turned away when your spouse tried to give you words of encouragement when you were feeling down or a hug when you were disappointed? Maybe it’s time to think about letting yourself be loved. “Be watchful… Be Alert” of your actions. Make a conscious choice to be loved by your spouse. Let them be the hands of God by simply letting go and letting them love you, just as you are in your brokenness. There is nothing more amazing when you feel the presence of God through the love of your spouse.

Making decisions to love our spouse and to be loved by our spouse brings us to a higher stage of joy in our sacramental marriage. Love is a decision. Be aware, live in the moment. This is the joy that God wants us all to experience as a married couple each day.

We will keep your marriage relationship in our daily prayers during this season of devout and expectant delight.

Advent Blessings to All of You!

Sam & Liz

Thanksgiving and Being Grateful for Your Spouse's "MEQ"

Thanksgiving is almost upon us.  Here is a prayer of thanks we used with a group of couples we recently hosted for dinner.  We thought you might find it useful, especially at this time of year.

We Give Thanks

Our Father in Heaven,

We give thanks for the pleasure

Of gathering together for this occasion.

We give thanks for this food

Prepared by loving hands.

We give thanks for life,

The freedom to enjoy it all

And all other blessings.

As we partake of this food,

We pray for health and strength

To carry on and try to live as You would have us.

This we ask in the name of Christ,

Our Heavenly Father.

- Harry Jewell

In this month's "St. Louis Java Journal", author Phyllis Clay Sparks writes, "Rather than letting the good in our lives inspire happy feelings and gratitude in every present moment, more often than not we notice what's missing, what isn't working, and what we don't have.  We tend to worry about losing what we have and what the future might hold.  It's vitally important for our happiness that we get in the habit of noticing the blessings in life everyday." 

We get the St. Louis Java Journal at our local Einstein Bagel where, around 7:30 a.m. on just about any Saturday morning, you can find us enjoying an egg sandwich, a cup of coffee or juice, and conversation with Bob and Marge, a couple married for over 65 years, who we met there at Einstein's a few years ago.  Talk about counting your blessings and being grateful for them!  Being grateful and giving thanks is an important aspect of simply 'being' in this life. 

 

Here's something you might try as a couple (it will only take about 5 minutes).  Each day think of your spouse's "Most Endearing Quality" (MEQ) for that day.  An MEQ might be as simple as their smile, a helping hand they lent to you or a self-sacrifice they made for another person, or their thoughtfulness in the loving words of support they gave you when you needed a boost most of all. 

Be aware of how grateful you are for their MEQ.  Then share their MEQ with them and ask them how it makes them feel when you do.  You might even try writing this MEQ and your feeling down before sharing it with one another. 

Talk this over with God and see what He says.  We hope He guides you to give it a try someday.  We think you will be pleased with the results.

 

In the meantime, with a strong feeling of gratitude for each of you, allow us to wish all our Vibrant Catholic Marriages blog readers and their families and friends a very Happy Thanksgiving!

God loves you (and so do we),

David & Linda

Whispers of the Holy Spirit

When my cousin Jim asked if I would be interested in writing a blog post on marriage I was a little taken back, yes very honored that he would think of us, but also very humbled. See we’ve only been married 8 1⁄2 yrs, babies in our marriage journey, and constantly learning what it means to make a marriage last and be beautiful! In those short 8 1⁄2 years we have been blessed beyond measure. God has given our little family 5 amazing children here on earth and 3 beautiful angles in Heaven. To say the least, we’ve been a bit busy! Within that busyness we’ve picked up bad habits and at times just gone through the motions to make it through whatever season of life we’re facing.

I don’t think that we truly realized we were doing this and how it was affecting us until recently. It all started when our newest was 6wks old. My husband was facing a very challenging project at work and he had to put a lot of time into it. One month turned into two, then three, and it’s still going after 5 1⁄2 months. I feel for him and I am so proud of him for how hard he works for our family; that being said things haven’t been easy. Those little habits of just getting through, toughing it out and trying to “survive” this season stopped working; I realized that we had stopped talking and started blaming.

That never works in a marriage. I had stopped seeing my husband for who he was and instead was frustrated for what he couldn’t do for me.

HUMILITY

"O Father, give us the humility which realizes its ignorance, admits its mistakes, recognizes its need, welcomes advice, accepts rebuke. Help us always to praise rather than to criticize, to sympathize rather than to discourage, to build rather than to destroy, and to think of people at their best rather than at their worst. This we ask for thy name's sake." - William Barclay

The 'us' in the prayer above can often refer to a married couple - a husband and wife. Even though through sacramental marriage we become 'one flesh', that flesh encompasses two minds, two bodies. Stir in some ego, pride and selfishness, and the boundaries of that oneness can be tested.

In the prayer we plead to God to 'give' and to 'help' - because the sentiments and attitudes being called out do not exist naturally within our hearts - not in the abundance required.

Patience. Forgiveness. Humility. Vulnerability.

Left to our own devices they cannot be continuously obtained and lived. Only through God's Grace - his giving and helping - do we grasp and animate the beauty they define.

We have only recently found this prayer. Its recitation reminds us of God's blueprint of the love we are to have for one another. Both of us can be stubborn, almost to a fault (imagine that!). When opinions differ, a faint undercurrent of antagonism is present (remember that pride and ego?) Slowly the contention rises and soon we are pushing and straining against our oneness, competing for the almighty crown of 'right'.

We wish we could confidently say that after 40+ years of Catholicism, 20 years of marriage, 4 years of TOOLS and countless retreats and spiritual awakenings we 'grasp and animate' this prayer 100% of the time. The truth would reveal that the number is much closer to 50%, if that.

That hurts, as the truth often does.

But growth doesn't happen without strain and pain. Our prayer - for ourselves as well as all of you - is that daily attention to this call to humility strengthens our oneness, and that we hold its wisdom in our heart to draw from in our daily walk together.


--by Jim and Karen Dunne

In the beginning

It started with discussions about why so many marriages are struggling.  Through many discussions, prayers and advice from other couples, we decided to start this blog.  Feel free to share it with people and spread the word.  Ministering to married couples is starting to feel like a new vocation or being on a mission. 

" I simply want to invite you, during this year that is beginning, to do everything you can for the married and family spirituality that you get from Teams to reach couples around you,"  said Fr. Caffarel, spiritual adviser to the TEAMS of our Lady, in October 1950.  "May it strengthen their union that is perhaps breaking up. May it reanimate their love and reveal to them the riches of their sacrament of marriage. May it help them also to know the joy and strength that comes from fraternal friendship between couples.

Are you short of the necessary ardor? Are you not aware to what extent the ambient culture in which they live threatens the Christian life and union of so many couples?"

Marriages have been struggling for centuries.  What has always been there for us is Christ.  As a person or a couple we need to seek His mercy, His healing and His power.  It is our prayer that through one another we can find a way to hear His word.

The purpose of this blog is to offer inspiration, advice and a friendly space.  The contributors are men and women that are trying to live out their vocation to marriage.  Some of these people have been married for almost 50 years, others for under 10 years.  Their perspectives will be uniquely their own and all of our writing will be from the heart.  I am thankful for the commitment from these contributors and I hope we can add more writers in the future.

"Do not tell me that there is nothing to be done,"  continues Fr. Caffarel.  "If you really care for all these threatened couples that are short of love and grace, you will know how to invent what needs to be done and you will persevere in your efforts. Inventiveness, perseverance, such are the qualities of missionaries. How numerous are the missionaries who struggle, preach and persevere for years without result! Well, yes indeed, be the missionaries of this married spirituality that gives you life.''

Quotations come from: Fr. Henri Caffarel - Monthly Letter of Equipes Notre Dame; October 1950.