Celebrating the Everday in your Marriage

Last week, our Lenten gospel reading was the Transfiguration. Jesus took his disciples up on a mountain and started shining like the sun. Peter was fascinated, and immediately began asking Jesus if he could pitch some tents up on top of the mountain and just stay there forever! I have this same feeling when our family has big, huge, memorable events: weddings, funerals, anniversaries. We can feel Christ present with us during those events. But during our everyday lives, it’s hard to feel Jesus with us. But He’s there just the same, in a hug from your spouse or a smile from your child. One thing I’m challenging myself to do during this Lent is to think about how Jesus is with us in our everyday, ordinary experiences. In our family, we’ve been lucky enough to have a bottle of wine to help remind us how special every ordinary day can be.

About 25 years ago, Tim and I were newly married and on a wine-tasting trip to the south of France. We were lucky enough to get a private tour of a high end wine cellar and at the end we decided to buy a bottle of expensive St. Emilion wine that promised to only get better with time. We bought the bottle, and immediately began thinking of when we might drink it. Should we have it on our ten year anniversary? Or perhaps save it for our 20th? At the birth of our first child? Or maybe at one of the weddings of our children? Or perhaps at a high school graduation celebration? The bottle of wine provided an opportunity for us to indulge ourselves in our wildest dreams about what our future would bring, we were young and in love and the future was full of hope and promise. We had no idea what was ahead: it was all possibility.

The bottle of wine journeyed with our family, through two countries, two states, and 4 houses. With each move, we’d reminisce about our trip to France and our hopes and dreams, and we’d wonder if the wine was going bad (you never know until you actually uncork it). Our family travelled along with the wine, through the birth of our three children and their failures and successes, the poignant losses of our parents to cancer and Alzheimer’s disease, a year-long job search after my Tim’s company relocated to South Carolina. After our 20 year anniversary, we began to ask ourselves in earnest: when do we drink the wine? What moment can possibly be special enough to drink the wine? What event will capture the fulfillment of all of our hopes and dreams that we shared on that afternoon in France 25 years ago?

This Christmas, we realized the moment had come. We deliberately decided that we wanted to drink the wine together with our children on a day that was not a special celebration, but instead at a quiet family dinner because we realized that our ordinary life was in fact quite miraculous and in a sense sacramental with a small “s”. I feel blessed that because we continued to consider when to drink the wine, we came to an awareness that Jesus has been our friend and companion throughout – in the intimate, quiet moments even more deeply than in the loud, celebratory events (and if you know our family, we’ve had a few of those). Just being together, with your loved ones and Jesus, is the greatest gift, if you only can see it.

Your family may not have a special bottle of wine to challenge you to reflect on our blessings, but I hope that during this Lent you come to recognize that the ground you are walking on is holy and the companion journeying with you is Jesus. Allow him to take the scales from your eyes so you can see how your everyday life is in fact infused with the sacred and be willing to drink deeply from the cup of life that he offers all of us, in times of both joy and sadness.

--Jeannie Steenberg

Ash Wednesday

Ash Wednesday, February 18, 2015

As we begin the journey of Lent, Sam & I have spent time in conversation about God’s abundant graces available to us.  In a reflection we read in Adoration this week, we both were challenged to look closely at these powerfully spoken words.  "When we come to the Lord with fasting, with generous almsgiving, and with prayer, God rewards us by changing us into His image one step at a time."

Lent is not only a time of renewal, it is a time for hope and joy as we look forward to what God is prepared to do in our hearts.  It is a time to be open to listening more closely to Our Loving Father in our prayer time.  It is a season for a greater focus on nurturing our relationship with God and each other.  Doing this, we will reap the tremendous gift of Jesus’ renewing graces and the selfless love that He wants to build up in us, as we reach out tenderly loving and caring for each other, for our family and those we encounter throughout the day. 

Making some changes and some specific commitments is the key for us to have a good start on our Lenten Journey.  We came up with lots of ways to fast, give alms and pray, to spend more quality time with God and each other.  Our list included ideas like: less internet or facebook, less TV, less busyness, less negativism or worrying.  It also included ways that we can grow in our prayer through our daily meditation of God’s word as well as stepping forward together affirming others of their goodness and talents with encouraging words.  We hope to replace our worries and concerns with newfound trust and confidence as we continue to build a deeper relationship in the Lord.

Blessed Teresa of Calcutta asks us to remember five simple rules:  1. Free your heart from hatred.  2. Free your mind from worries.  3. Live simply.  4. Give more.  5. Expect less.  As we strive for holiness each day, our Lenten practices whatever chosen will help us on our journey to become more generous, compassionate and kind, making a difference in the world around us.   We are making our commitment to join Jesus in the desert by “proclaiming our fast,” to live more simply during these Forty Days of Lent.  We may struggle at times or even fall.  Yet, we pray that we will emerge with a heart more like His, loving more fully and dedicated to live a simple life inspired and empowered by God through the Holy Spirit.

Blessings to You on your journey of love through Lent. 

Peace, Liz and Sam

A Valentine's Day tribute to my wife

I have been blessed to have known my wife for over 25 years.  We met young, she was 18 and I was 20.  We grew up together and at times it was hard, painful and full of tears.  At other times it was sweet, loving and full of joy.  Most marriages are like that I suppose.  I just feel blessed to have been given the opportunity to love her all these years. 

I remember her strength as a mother.  Staying up late and getting up early.  One time she went away for the weekend on retreat and our baby didn't want her bottled breast milk, dang it, she wanted the real thing.  I held out all Friday night and most of Saturday and since she had only taken a few sips of water or milk, I caved and drove to the retreat.  My head was hanging in shame, that I couldn't even last a few days.  There was no look of pity thrown my way, or angry words of needing time away.  Instead, my beloved lovingly held our oldest child, feed her, and we all feel asleep.  My wife is a patient and loving woman.

There was a time when money was scarce and the bills were mounting.  Our tempers were short and over the course of time, more and more arguments happened.  She kept on ending these “talks” with us praying for mercy and understanding.  I personally had a hard time settling down to pray and still to this day I am thankful that I have a wife that relies on God to get us through the tough times.

About seven years ago, I was offered a job in the Midwest and we had never lived more than an hour from the Atlantic Ocean.  I was excited about the opportunity and my partner was nervous.  We had never lived so far away from family.  Mostly we had lived within 90 minutes of our parents and siblings.  Aunts, uncles and cousins were never too far away for holidays and parties.  Now, we had the decision to move away from all of that to start anew.  With hands held together and our foreheads touching we prayed for guidance.  The love of my life is trusting, not in me always, but in Our Lord.

During these years away from our roots, we have been blessed to have met a wonderful group of friends.  These friends have turned into family and have made life wonderful.  My rock, has now found a group of girlfriends that she leans on and helps them when needed.  I have seen her grow in her faith and it has been one of my life’s treasures to have seen her blossom in this way.  My rock knows Jesus and is one of His disciples.

Our kids are getting older, the youngest is hitting those early teen years and testing us, the middle is about to enter high school and the oldest is readying herself for college next fall.   Through all this it is again my oldest that teaches me something about the woman I love the most.   You see, my oldest is going through the typical emotional roller coaster of having a blast with her high school friends and still looking at the future with both joy and trepidation of the unknown.  My wife has sat down with her and talked about the changes that she is experiencing and about to experience.  I have no clue if her words of wisdom are falling on deaf ears or not.  I hope my child is listening, for my wife was 18 once, on that day we first met.  She was beautiful, full of energy just bursting with enthusiasm and just little hesitant on the first day of her college career, just like my daughter will be.  My spouse has faith in Jesus Christ.

On this February 13^th, I treasure the lady that I am lucky enough to call my wife.  I haven’t bought her chocolates or flowers.  There is no big expensive jewel hidden somewhere in the house.  You are a gift from God to me.  You are the only real jewel in our home.  My jewel is loving, strong, patient, trusting, prayerful, and faith filled; that is my wife.  I adore you sweetheart, you are my everything and I never want to be without you.  Thank you for taking this journey with me and may our Lord always be at the center of our marriage.  

Theology of the Body

I feel like my curser is mocking me right now.  It just keeps blinking and blinking and so does my mind.  Baby #5 is testing the limits on sleep and well that’s life; so I’m a bit empty brained these days. 

What in the world does that have to do with marriage?  Well, kinda everything – at least that’s what St. Pope JPII the Great teaches us: self-donative love… a.k.a. Theology of the Body.  I’m not an expert in the teaching, but I think I have a pretty good grasp of it.  See, we’re called to love everyone: God, spouse, children, and even strangers with our bodies.  Please, oh please, I do not mean that you should start physically handling everyone that you meet, please don’t.  What I mean is that giving of ourselves fully and completely to those people that God has placed into our lives is a way of fulfilling His Great Commission.  That could mean holding a sick baby all night, rubbing your son’s head as he walks by just to show you’re there and you care, or holding a door open with a smile for a stranger.  These are all very simple ways that we use our bodies for love.

When my husband and I were engaged, I was talking to my spiritual director and somehow I made the comment about wanting to have a honeymoon baby.  He stopped me immediately.  He explained to me that conceiving immediately after marriage would be a great blessing and gift from God, but it should not be my objective.  I needed to take this time to prepare to be a wife first, then mother if God was to bless us.  As a young Catholic woman preparing for the sacrament of marriage, learning NFP, theology of the body and all those other amazing gifts our Church has for engaged couples, I was focused on a very specific form of physical love.  When Fr. Mark suggested that I concentrate on being a wife first, I realized that I was wrapping myself around the grandeur of marital love (and it is beautiful and life-giving for a reason), but I couldn’t see past it to the “messy” side of marriage.  The one where little angels are all around, your house and hair are a mess, toys and laundry are all over your bed and marital love doesn’t look the same as on the honeymoon night.

That’s one of the beauties of Theology of the Body: if we truly strive to understand what the Church teaches us about sex and marriage, then we see the greatness in all forms of love.  Physical love with our spouse is not always going to be like the wedding night, but it is beauty in every area.  Just as it is extremely important for me to reach out and touch a child as they pass by me, it’s even more important for me to show love to my husband. 

So how, in this busy, crazy stage of life we are in, can I have self-donative love for my husband?  Even in times of abstinence?  It’s kinda simple: love in everyway and with my whole body.  That’s what Fr. Mark meant when he told me to be a wife first and then a mom.  I had to learn to love my husband so that when it wasn’t just the two of us, and sexual union wasn’t as available, we would still thrive.  It can be a sweet text message, note in his wallet or lunch, a touch as he walks by.  Sometimes we forget that the small things speak the loudest, like holding hands.  Not only does it show the one we love that we want them near us, but think of what it speaks to your children.  My husband and I try very hard to always give the sign of peace with a kiss to each other first, then our children; because we were together first (and sometimes after getting five kids ready for Mass we might need to give each other some peace!)  Yes, this time in our marriage is messy and yes, my shirt right now has multiple stains on it and I can’t tell you who and where they came from; but I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

--Jessica Maddox

The Big Day

A wedding … the beautiful flowers, music and singing, the bridesmaids and groomsmen, flower girl and ring bearer. The amazing church, so attractive for the ceremony. The stunning bride and handsome groom. We all have glorious memories of weddings we have attended, weddings we participated in, and even our own wedding ceremony with our spouse. When most of us think of and talk about weddings, we focus on the things of the wedding that appear glamorous, rich, and very beautiful. For many of us, our Catholic wedding ceremony included a mass.

Was the mass the focus of your wedding?

For the first time ever, I experienced a MASS that happened to have a wedding within it. That’s right…a mass with the commitment of man and wife right in the middle of it. Just after the Liturgy of the Word, and just before the Eucharist.

I am not sure what made the difference for me experiencing this change…maybe it is getting older, maybe it was the fact the wedding was on a Sunday afternoon, or maybe it was…

Whatever the reason, it was AWESOME!

Everything about the wedding ceremony spoke of the importance of the mass, our commitment to one another in God’s house with God’s chosen people, the church. I couldn’t help but be reminded of the verse “For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.” Matthew 18: 20 When we marry, we become one with Christ. It is not man and wife, but man, wife, and God. Two gathered together for a lifetime, and God so graciously joins the union.

The focus of that special wedding wasn’t the wedding glamour. It was the heart of our Catholic faith: the Eucharistic celebration, the breaking of bread with our family and friends. How wonderful it was to share that meal with this couple beginning their life journey together!

As Valentine’s Day approaches, let us be reminded of our union as a couple and the presence of God in that union. The next time you and your spouse attend mass together, take time to reflect on your commitment to one another, the commitment you made in the middle of a mass, with family and friends celebrating the Eucharistic feast with you.

Karen Dunne

Holding on to the Truth

Over the past year, my husband and I have had the blessing and burden of supporting several couples through rough places in their marriages. It is a blessing because we have seen the hand of God at work and gotten to participate in the victory which is always His. It is also a burden as our hearts break for the pain our friends are suffering and the tragedy they anticipate as they consider separating. We want to share with you two stories of God’s victory as he rebuilt marriages and lovingly extended graces to everyone involved.

One couple was known to our TOOL group and had shared a little of the challenges they were experiencing. When we realized that things were going from bad to worse and the couple were seriously considering divorce, as a group we wanted to do something, but were unsure how exactly to help in something as private as a marriage. We decided we would all commit to praying the Magnificat with our spouses daily for the good of this marriage. At the suggestion of our spiritual director, some of us also committed to fasting every Friday for this couple. We sent them an email to let them know what we were doing. Recently this couple related how much our small act of caring had meant to them. The husband even remarked, “When I saw that email, I realized that you all were working harder at my marriage than I was!” I don’t for one minute think that our prayers alone saved their marriage; they had a lot of work to do to rebuild trust and to recommit to each other. But what a blessing it was to do something, rather than nothing.

Another marriage was already on the brink of collapse when we first found out there was trouble. The husband had moved out and was asking for divorce. The wife was hurt and angry, and she couldn’t envision things actually getting better. Again, our friends wanted to do something, so the ladies invited her to join our weekly Bible study. One night as she drove me home after Bible study, she told me about a time she had lost her wedding ring years ago. She had been helping clean out the house of a hoarder and had lost her wedding ring while bagging up all the trash. When she realized it was missing, she hunted through all those bags of trash until she found her ring. Of course the ring was valuable, but it was, after all, only a symbol for the relationship. I encouraged my friend to see how much more valuable the marriage itself was. Was she willing to dig through all the emotional garbage to reclaim her marriage? I am happy to say that with the help of a marriage counselor, she and her husband went through all the mess and came to rediscover the possibility of living out their marriage again.

Marriage is messy. It is both a blessing and a burden. It offers both joy and heartache and the possibility for tragedy and triumph. Marriages that seem okay from the outside can be shaky on the inside. Let us not be afraid to reach out to those who are struggling and do something. And let us not be afraid to tell each other when we are struggling ourselves.

When the couples around us doubt the strength of their marriage, when they consider the possibility of divorce, we who love them must hold on to the truth of their marital bond. Our common vision of marriage as a real and indissoluble unity of two souls can help others remember the truth, and the Truth will set them free.

Jim and Debbi

Patience in my Vocation

My husband, Mark, and I joined a spiritual marriage group (Teams of Our Lady) almost 2 years ago. We were hesitant at first, even turning down the first invitation, concerned that we hadn’t the time. However with a little more prodding, we decided to jump in. Since then, we have been very happy with the decision. Within these past two years, we have been afforded many graces in our marriage and we continue to see the benefits unfold—especially the gifts of mutual understanding and appreciation.

One specific struggle I continue to face, though, is a lack of patience. I realize this is one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit. However I just can’t ever seem to have enough, especially with those I love the most. We have four kids, so it is easy to see that there are a lot of personalities living under one roof. I feel challenged with the daily grind—getting kids to where they need to be, work schedules, sports schedules, laundry, housekeeping, etc. Everyone knows the daily grind! But when things aren’t going as planned, or when I don’t feel supported enough, the first thing that seems to disappear is my patience. And then no one is happy!

I discussed this recently with a priest. How can I be so impatient and sometimes just mean to those I love the most? He gave me advice that really rang thorough to these wooden ears. I was advised to remember that my marriage and family is my vocation—this is my pathway to heaven. Wow. My pathway to heaven? Really? Driving kids all around creation, disciplining sassy mouths and picking up Mark’s laundry off the floor (when the hamper is three feet away) … that’s my pathway to heaven?

Contemplating that more, when we chose to get married, we could have simply gone to a justice of the peace or perhaps used an internet-ordained minister. It would have been quicker and a whole lot cheaper! Instead, we desired to get married and exchange vows in the Church, before God. We made a promise not only to each other, but more importantly to our Creator, that we would love and serve each other always—not just when life is fun and interesting, but also when life is, well, full of frustrations.

So as I enter this new year, I pray that God provides me with more and more patience so that I in turn can provide a more holy and enjoyable household for my family. “Be careful what you pray for,” I recently heard someone say, “for God always provides.” So in praying for more patience, I suppose I need to be prepared to encounter or at least recognize the little everyday frustrations in life. In doing so, I hope to be able to take a deep breath, take a step back, count to 3, do a yoga pose—whatever my calming technique is for that particular day—and handle that sassy mouth, that spilled milk that trickles into the crack of the table, or those (men’s) size 13 camo crocs that I’m always tripping over with more grace than I did before. And with that, I will know that I’m one step closer on my pathway to heaven.

Melanie and Mark Pilkenton